Watchmen Review by Dave

if you haven't seen watchmen, don't read this - it's full of spoilers.

First off, I haven’t read the comic (and now do not intend to, especially after eyedialect pretty much told me what I suspected even before the movie came out – that it’s not that good) and if you believe that debunks my analysis of the film then I’m sorry you’re one of those blind fanboys I was making fun of in the theater last night. Let go a little and open your mind to some critical thinking. And being accused of being pretentious just tells me you simply aren’t capable of intellectually analyzing something beyond its veneer.

Let’s start with the cursory; the music was pretty bad. At best it felt forced, at worst it was forced, awkward and out of place. I’m still a bit perplexed by the 10 seconds of 99 Luftballoons for seemingly no reason. The showcase example, though, is that god awful cover of “Hallelujah” during the Owl-Ship fuck scene. The opening credits were pretty awesome though with Bob Dylan’s “the times they are a-changin”, probably the only example of good use of music.

Which segues nicely to my next issue: editing. I always prefer a movie be longer then shorter. Mostly because I feel like too many movies feel waaay too rushed, probably do to studios imposing restraints on the film crew, so it’s nice when a movie feels fleshed out. Watchmen, however, really should have been an hour shorter then it was. Whoever was in charge of editing did a bad job. Too often scenes would drag on and at the end of it you were left with no more then you had when you started. A totally awkward fuck scene could have been cut form 7 minutes to a few shots, that scene really could have been implied with the same effect. Way too often this movie is inconsiderate and self-indulgent, “I’m really really important, and you will sit through me” was kind of the over-bearing vibe. It’s ironic that Rorschach continually admonishes mankind for its hedonism and arrogance, when this film is exactly that.

I admire the attempt to lay the movie out very much like a comic. An idea which sounds good on paper, but doesn’t quite make the transition to the screen. There are flashbacks throughout which act as the opening narrative to a monthly issue of a comic which works great – in a comic. In the movie these flashbacks are tired, drawn out, and bring the movie and momentum to a grinding halt – and, again, afterwards, you’re left with no more then what you had to begin with.

For such a convoluted plot, the foci of which is the destruction of the human race, it wasn’t very humane. It was emotionally unapproachable; it was difficult to be invested in any of the characters. I think this was in part because of cardboard performances on some parts – like, for instance, Silk Spectre’s Martian plea to Dr Manhattan to save the human race; she might as well have been asking him to return some clothes after a break up. I didn’t care about any of them and, by extension, didn’t care about the fate of humanity – and, in this post 9/11 world you have to try hard NOT to evoke some feeling when it comes to a terrorist attack on NYC, it’s a gimmie, how did Zac Snyder botch that?

The only exception here was Rorschach who’s only real avenue of connectability was “hell yeah, kill bad guys”. At first I didn’t like Rorschach’s way over-the-top 1920’s gumshoe noir detective film spin, and was even more put off by his forced gravel voice – but my reservations were quickly waylaid and Rorschach grew to be the only thing about the movie I truly loved. Jackie Earle Haley’s performance was fantastic.

There were a few things that stuck out like sore thumbs. The first being Nixon’s make up. Are you fucking kidding me? How did something that awful slip in a movie which otherwise looks fantastic (if, maybe, a little overly CG). It was pretty hard to focus on any of the scenes involving Nixon.

Next, the blue horned tiger at the end. What the fuck? As I said, I’ve never read the comic, if that was in the comic then cool – but it was so out of left field in the movie, it was a detractor for an important scene. When I first saw it I at least thought it would be involved in the climactic end fight, that would have at least justified it a little – but nope, here’s a blue horned tiger and two minutes later, it’s blown up…..what?

And lastly, Dr. Manhattan’s crystal-constructed clockwork conveyance (there’s some alliteration for your ass), again if that was in the comic (which I’m sure it was) did it get any explanation? Being faithful to source material is great and trust me I go nuts when directors fuck it up (I wanted to kill someone after I Am Legend) but faithful directors must also understand that when it comes to film, there will be a lot of people who haven’t consumed the source material, it’s the nature of the art. As a director you have to pay attention to what those who are raging fans of the source won’t think twice about and what will boggle those who aren’t. Like sudden blue horned tigers.

The entire thing felt like it was just trying too hard to force-feed huge ideas. There was too much focus on big without the groundwork, which ultimately left it feeling scattered. It was; open with spy thriller James Bond action scene and slo-mo body thrown through pane glass – now it’s Rorschach’s noir detective film - now it’s campy lover’s tiff on mars – now it’s Arctic neo-Nazi Egyptian pharaoh with the keys to doomsday – and then – and then. The movie was like a beautiful building, a genius example of architectural mastery – sitting on a flawed amateur’s foundation.

So was it bad? No. Was it good. No. It was okay at best.

It’s a good example of a victim of its own hype. I really wanted to come out of the theater and stand corrected, and be able to admit that everyone was right and the it was all it was hyped to be, but that wasn’t the case.

At least there was a sweet new Terminator trailer before Watchmen